The Girl – Part One
The glare of the screen shone on her face in the dimly lit room. It was one of the two light source, the other being the faint light of dawn that penetrates through the curtains of her bedroom windows. She taps on the keyboard of her computer, uncertain, hesitant, wary of what may appear on the screen which are in actuality her thoughts, moods, ideas, and in essence her person, her being. It was scary. That which is on rocks, her being, being shown to her via uniform characters – one ‘S’ is not one bit different from the other. It’s eerie in way, what this may signify. A certain coldness, inhumaneness, a certain destiny she’s trying to avoid, but seemed to be zooming towards.
She tries hard, too hard sometimes, as she is inclined to believe, but that may be pure bias. She may in fact be too kind to herself, being all accepting and accommodating to her weaknesses and flaws, providing excuse after excuse for her misbehaviour, even when these excuses are not justifying reasons, they become reasons in her head. The fact that she alone, as one singular person believes in both contrasting perceptions of how she has been treating herself. That both contrasting ideas exist in her head simultaneously; exists simultaneously in one entity. This particular fact makes her feel terrified. There is also the additional fact that she is able to recognise the fact aforementioned. That makes it all the more terrifying. It’s as if there was a third person in her. Objective, cold, but completely invisible to all but herself. Whichever part of her that tries to introduce this third person to mutual friends would not be regarded seriously. Or at least, not be regarded as seriously as any part of her would like to be.
It is really annoying, and inconvenient, to have so many parts to herself. It gives her unnecessary emotions. It makes her do things she knows she’ll regret, but she end up doing things anyway. Most importantly, it makes her hate herself. The parts are contradicting afterall. If she were to exist as three different persona, two would probably be mortal enemies, while the third as a neutral. To have all three in one common biological space is very troublesome indeed…
She sits on the floor of her bedroom, half slouched against the side of her bed, with her back aching, her butt numbing, typing herself out. It was so cold, yet never once did she shiver. She felt numb. And tired. Of life, of herself, of everything, the universe. And of course, for she did not sleep the entire night before and it was dawn, physically.
Changing perception, Shifting viewpoints, Morphing being
I find that this stage of life is really one where you change faster than you realise. My lack of understanding for myself is even greater than that while I was still in JC or secondary school. It is kind of frustrating that the pace at which I’m learning about myself is never catching up with the changes. I’m discovering new aspects of myself, defining new viewpoints and ideals, while realising those viewpoints and ideals don’t necessarily apply just a couple of months later. I’m more confused about myself than ever.
In a way, reading whatever Aaron writes on his blog, or through whatever little private conversations I have with him, helps me in resolving my confusion substantially. He knows he’s one of those people I look up to, and I’m not going to keep reminding him that. But I’m constantly aware of it. So is the case with people like Jerome, Chenzhen, etc. Which brings me to another point about myself. I depend too much on people. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Even my very being, in which the understanding of oneself is extremely important, is dependent on my interaction with certain people. There’s a very specific group of people, without whom I’ll never come to understand myself as much as I do now. They teach me about myself, help me improve for the better (consciously or unconsciously); They made my life so much easier.
But being dependent on people like that is inconvenient. I need to learn to be independent. Soon, everyone’s new lives will pull us apart. Damn growing up.
I met a bus driver that brightened up my day a couple of days ago. Even noted his name down…Mr Wee something. Of bus 183 SBS 8109U at approx 6.20pm (aren’t I specific). It was dark, gloomy and raining. Plus it was late. Everyone’s tired. But his bright cheery manner was infectious. How he warmly warns everyone the door is closing, and how he joked when two cars missed crashing narrowly in front of us….he made those standing near the front smile despite the sardine can conditions. It was really an example of how even strangers influence each other. Might even be an explanation for the fast-paced changes in ourselves as young 19-year-olds.
Trusting Friends
Had a really good talk with Aaron just now. I believe it’s the most productive conversation I’ve ever had. Now I feel less burdened, with a clearer sense of direction (even though the matters we discussed remains unresolved), and sighs a huge sigh of relief.
Raphael and Chenzhen were right about how I always assumed people’s reactions wrongly. I cannot express my gratitude (on top of love) towards my friends enough in words.
Anyway, the hour spent on talking with Aaron, on top of the time spent talking with Raphael over the phone, meant that I did not do any Aki work tonight. Which is bad. Since I have TONS of work to do by Monday. And I have not started on the bulk of it. So here’s a list of what I will do tomorrow. (I have this mentality that announcing it publicly online will prompt me to adhere to it more than my undisciplined self would otherwise have.)
- Stick and string structures
- PF Lab Report
- GEK Essay (not due on Monday, but I think it’s pretty urgent already considering I haven’t started on it yet.)
There are actually many more things to be done, but I think I shall not be too ambitious. I’ll schedule for anything else not due on Monday tomorrow instead.
Who I Am
Meme from Ning’s Tumblr
FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:
- You have no idea how relieved I felt when you answered the questions that took me so long to ask. The implication may have been lost to you, but it led me to understand how and why I lost.
- I’m sorry but I may have unconsciously manipulated, and even made use of you. It may jolly well have been more of my fault then than yours. Though I have an uncanny suspicion that the manipulation may have been two-way at that time. Even if you may be sincere right now. You will probably deny it.
- I actually feel that I’ve been a very terrible friend, even wondering at times whether I deserve you. But even as I reveal more and more ugly sides of me to you, you accepted me as a whole, and it’s friends like you that aspired me to at least try to be a better friend.
- Can you please stop talking to me? I don’t mind if you actually have topics to talk about. But coming to me, and saying random and even ridiculous things in a bid to start a topic is outright annoying. You don’t read the signs that I don’t want to talk either.
- Hi. I like you. You don’t have to like me though. Just being my friend’s enough. =)
TEN things about yourself:
- RJ was probably the most important milestone in my academic life. While my first friends were in primary school, RG shaped my mode of thinking somewhat, RJ was where I gradually find myself back, got to know awesome friends who helped me gain much-needed self-confidence. I love RJ. Doesn’t matter if school admin implemented inappropriate to the school. The changes won’t change my memories.
- I love cats. Wasn’t really a cat person till Dinger and Newton came into my life though. While I’ve always liked animals, I always thought I’d like a dog more. But ever since both dogs and cats came into my life, I found out that cats really fit my personality a lot better.
- When I’m studying, I’d be at home or at Starbucks most of the time. Else, it’d be in the studio. Only very occasionally am I in the library.
- I’m an extremely bad organiser when it comes to my own space. I tend to work in messy environments. For some reason though, when I was a librarian in RG, I was rather obsessed in organising things in the librarian’s workroom.
- I absolutely hate camera flashes during a concert/performance. I go crazy. It totally distracts me, and spoils the whole atmosphere. Doesn’t matter if it’s a music performance where the audio matters more than the visual. I believe performance comes as a whole, so don’t screw the visual aspect up for me.
- It’s hard to define me as an introvert or extrovert, since I fit both very well under different circumstances. While I’m open to telling others about myself, I hide more things than most too. I make friends rather easily, but I don’t show my discomfort. It takes a longer time for me to feel fitted into a new environment. I need close friends around – I rely on them quite a bit.
- I have 3 younger siblings, though most just won’t believe me. When I go out with my younger sister, it’s not uncommon for strangers to think that I’m the younger sister. I look younger than my age. Possibly, act younger than my age in some cases too. It is not true to say I’m less mature than my sisters though. People just don’t know what goes on behind the scenes.
- I really like the sound of the piano. And handbells. Not so much of the string instruments due to some shadows of the past, but in recent years, I’m starting to appreciate string music too.
- I’m into Japanese stuff. Particularly anime. But also into traditional things like tea ceremonies. The things the Japanese do exudes an aura of elegance and simplicity. Ironic since they are usually ultra complicated. Ever tried tying an obi? But in a way, it’s elegance and simplicity in precision. It must be a case of attraction to the opposite, since I’m none of these things.
- My sisters like to say that my fashion sense is based on luck when it works. They think I have a weird fashion sense. My friends think that my fashion sense is slapdash. I say that no one really knows what my true fashion sense is, since half my wardrobe are things that I no longer want or passed down to me. Wardrobe renewal is limited by financial limitations.
SEVEN ways to win your heart:
- Show willingness to be friends with my friends, and allow me to be friends with yours. Best if my friends’ approval are earned.
- Play the piano well. I have a weakness for it.
- Tell me secrets. Tell me things about yourself that you don’t tell people about.
- Make me enjoy my time with you. Make me laugh. I like people who teaches me how to have fun.
- Accept that I require certain amounts of freedom. Must accept the fact that most of my close friends are guys.
- Bring me to a secret hideout (I’ll kope this from Ning. Having a secret hideout is simply so cool.)
- Pamper me at times. Make me feel loved and taken care of. Be someone I can rely on.
SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:
- The gang
- My mum and sisters
- Architecture
- My cats
- My crush
- The idea of friendship and love
- The future
FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:
- Daydream
- Set my alarm
- Think about my regrets for the day
- Sing to myself
FOUR things you see right now:
- My laptop
- Dinger my cat.
- My aki journal
- My phone
THREE songs that you listen to often: (top 3 from foobar2000 play count…)
- 周杰伦 - 东风破
- Chiaki Ishikawa – Uninstall
- Nobuo Uematsu - Royal Stockholm Philharmonic Orchestra - Don’t Be Afraid (Final Fantasy VIII)
TWO things you want to do before you die:
- See each member of the gang finding the girl of their dreams and form happy families. WITH KIDS. And Sam, Ning, Shan, Shuyi marrying nice guys and form happy families. WITH KIDS.
- Travel the world.
ONE confession:
- I lie by withholding information.
Tumblr
WordPress shall not be a substitute for tumblr anymore. Heck the laziness to manage more than one blog. It’s not like I blog very often on wordpress anyway. Aki already drained so much out of me, might as well get a tumblr to post random stuff that doesn’t require words.
http://silentcelle.tumblr.com/
There should be few, if not zero, posts in the Tumblr category from now onwards bah.
Edit: Actually on second thoughts, there would probably still be some posts. Tumblr would be more of on-the-go kind of things. But this blog is an archive that I would go back to.
True Definition of Love
from Ning’s Tumblr
“When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away.”- Captain Corelli’s Mandolin (via recessoul)
Fucked
I’m seriously fucked by aki. Before I go on, I want to say yes I know girls don’t use the F word. But I don’t care. There’s no better word than this anymore. Crit session was bad today. Not in the sense that the tutors were harsh, or even criticism on my ideas. The problem is, I’ve got no opinion at all. And why is that so? My work is substandard. Yes, it’s not even average. It’s not the “oh, I like this part, but this other part wasn’t very well-thought out…”. I’m not aiming to be marvelous. I just want to be like everyone else.
Just to be clear, my idea was actually deemed as alright on Thursday. But on today’s crit session….turned out my analysis was crap, not in depth and I could have done a lot more and taken a lot more from it. My composition therefore suffered. My drawing is crap, does not convey whatever little I have to say about my composition already. In other words, whatever I’ve done for this assignment so far is JUNK.
I somehow managed to remain in the same spot as the first day of lessons. Everyone else has improved so much, but me. I’m stuck in that damn spot. Unable to make something even worth glancing at. And worst still, I can actually see the difference between my work and everyone else’s. I just cannot implement that difference.
When I met up with CZ, I was so clueless and confused. I have no idea what is wrong with me. Why am I in such a situation? I like aki alright, so what exactly is wrong?
I still have no idea. But I know I gotta at least take aki more seriously than before now. Get to the source of the problem, whatever it is. Damn aki, I’m gonna beat you. Go fuck someone else instead.
P.S. Thankfully, I have friends like roger and raphael, who are so fun and helps in washing away all my troubles and emo-ness, however temporarily. jubeat rocks.
Effects till dawn
The unchanging fatal weakness of mine – low self-discipline. Unchanging not because I do not want to change, but it’s easier said than done. Low self-discipline in so many aspects, such that there are some things I can no longer tell people, even those close to me, for they are sick of my stories since a long time ago. Why don’t you just change then? I try, without success.
It’s kinda amusing when I see myself in a third-person’s point of view, when a single gesture can sustain me through the entire night. Well, I’ve just finished drawing plans, sections, elevations, axonometric and what not. Some five hours, the effect predictably died down, but nevertheless lingering. Like how the alien feeling of lips linger after your first kiss – bliss or not.
It would be a blessing if such positive vibes for the night were automatically transferred into my work and translated into higher quality drawings. Perhaps the model transformed into precisely cut and assembled pieces, without me so much as touching it. Or maybe faeries were fluttering around sprinkling magical dust on it, and the tutors shall love it during crit session tomorrow despite its rough edges and glue stains.
Poor self-discipline. It did help my mood I suppose. But it kills my ambition. Whatever happened to my plans to do more sketches for tomorrow’s crit session, I have no idea. I might also need to remind myself that my old habit of tardiness is heavily linked to my low self-discipline and I’d better do something about it. I probably need to get that entire module’s work submitted soon too. It is unimaginably late.
P.S. I have no idea whether the above post is coherent a not. And I don’t really care. It’s freaking 6.30am in the morning, and submission is at 10am. The tone’s probably kinda out-of-character for me too. I have no idea why I’m even blogging.
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