He still has fr…

He still has friends. People like his classmates. People like cca mates. People like ex-classmates who he’s still so close too. People like his ex-colleagues. People who’s really important to him like Joey.

I don’t. I’m no longer close with my class clique – All but one are overseas, and that one person is forever overseas on exchanges and special programmes. I no longer contact my JC clique much, because key persons are overseas, and those in Singapore arranges meetings without me (especially after the complication of leaving me out of outings due to raphael.

Friends hurt me, bitched about me behind my back together with raphael, making me lose faith in so many of my past confidante. Friends I can trust, I fear putting in too much hope and expectations because I end up getting hurt even though they’re not at fault. Family too, they don’t support, and make things even more difficult for me despite their well intentions.

So what do I have left?

Now that I learn that I’m born to not have a soul mate, not have a confidante, not to have someone to mutually rely on during tough times. What do I really have left.

He feels like he has no one he can depend on. Then what about me. I have even less people around me than him. And he’s probably going to find his mate soon in the future.

Who can I rely on?

Nobody.

And mine’s for life. I’m alone for life.

Crazy night of driving

Went out with sammie, cx and nat again. This time we went to eat pasta at creation cafe (next time I’m trying the risotto) and then eating at tom’s palette. I love tom’s palette. It must be the best ice cream.

Anyway I didn’t want to spend more money, so I told them can we do something which is free tonight. And nat came out with the idea of teaching us how to drive. We went to find some empty space (a car park actually) and then they let me and sammie drove around a lil.

I think I’m a scare-dy cat. Sammie could drive-drive within three tries. I still break everytime I feel scared. And not daring to press the accelerator very much. But it was a special experience.

Nat drove later when we were going to his house…and at the junction when we were turning he didn’t see the car going straight so we scraped past it nearly hitting the car. It happened damn fast. We went over the curb. Miraculously the car wasn’t damaged at all. I thought it very admirable that CX forgave Nat and everything.

CX drove the rest of the way. And we chilled at Nat’s house till 5+am before going down to Macs for breakfast. Played this really fun board game at Nat’s house, though me and sammie kept getting owned. Hopefully we can play the game again when we stay over on the 17th.

After I came home, I slept the whole day away. Posted on tumblr about today which was weird because I really didn’t care about anything that was happening in the house. Not sure if it’s purely because of not wanting to talk to my mum, or coz of more things. But I don’t care already, not gonna think about it.

I just need to be happy and that’s all. No more scaring nat with my emo-ness. And no more affecting people around me with my sadness too. Last night was fun.

Point in life

I thought it might be good to take note of any good point in life right now, seeing that they may be a little bit rare, and that I can feel my mood swinging back downwards, so hopefully recounting happy moments that make up this good point in life would halt my swing back to moodiness.

So firstly, I went out with Leslie last night.
Okay, it was really really weird, because I really thought he would ask others out together. But apparently it was just the two of us, and I only realised it when I reached somerset. But no matter, I had fun. Although it really wasn’t very comfortable, considering how little I’ve spoken to Leslie. It didn’t help that he kept laughing at me either. =X Made me feel so self-conscious. But he has a way to keep your mind off matters bah. Not very sure how he does it, because he didn’t explicitly tell me to not think about things. Maybe it’s more of a “shit I need to not look glum else I bet he’ll come up with something to make me embarassed/bring the attention to me etc” that kinda thing. LOL. So it was more of a fear to be upset? XD

Went to eat udon, then kino, then got bubble tea (and i got mango milk tea which was weird but not exactly say not nice lah), then went to H&M (my first time), went to uniqlo….oh saw a really cute pair of shorts (i posted the photo on tumblr) then went home =X Normal outing bah. Oh, and he sent me home. Which was really really weird. But I guess it was nice to have someone to walk with while going home bah. The last time a guy who’s not my boyfriend or who doesn’t like me send me home was like….Raphael? And that was kinda to ward Kahhou off too? That’s why he started sending me home. But I ended up dating Raphael in the end anyway. Sigh. So that’s why it was really really really weird. =X Oh, I think it might be more accurate to say it’s the first time a guy I’m not completely comfortable with sent me home. That’s a lot more accurate bah.

Second thing is that all my projects are officially over.
I’ve just uploaded the last of my projects and there’s really no more submissions left. Although true, there are still exams to study for, but that really seems so much more appealing than doing projects. Not saying that my project mates are not great…they’re actually the best I’ve had so far! I really enjoy time with them…But I guess I just really don’t like to do projects because whatever effort I put them will also affect others and I don’t like the thought that I might actually drag them down bah. So yea, studying alone is much better. At least my grades lousy it’s just me dying alone =X

Third thing: My job as a telemarketer for insurance is even better than I expected.
Well I found this job as a telemarketer at Woodlands Civics Centre. The pay is average, but the amount of things I can learn is tremendous. This is due to the fact that I had the luck to have a really really good boss. He’s humble, street-smart, persevering and really likes to share with me. He doesn’t mind teaching me telemarketing and sales skills (which was what I hoped to gain from the job, hopefully levelling up my confidence level and competency in getting things done), but he also teaches me about insurance, finance markets, anything and everything in life that our conversation comes across. Really a great guy and a good mentor. So this job is really like striking gold =D I just hope that over time I can actually do well in telemarketing. It’s really damn difficult to do cold calling =X

So the three happy things in my life that made me feel so good, and woke up this morning with a smile on my face. I’ll be having breakfast tomorrow morning with Sammie, Cheng Xuan and Nat again, so hopefully that will help me maintain my streak of happiness. Just gotta make sure my mood doesn’t slip below the threshold and become “sad and moody” before tomorrow bah. I’m really sick of feeling upset le.

OH OH and I bought a white blouse from iora today coz I really couldn’t stand what I was wearing. But it was a find. Exactly the kind of blouse I’d like, except the price range was higher than what I’d be willing to pay for usually, but today I was just in that kind of a mood and I don’t regret it. It does make me happier today too.

Writing things out does help salvage my mood after all =D

Sweet Charity~

Last night was a happy night. Was supposed to go for the Gummiberry cocktail (Loof’s signature dish in Sweet Charity, a program where the participating outlets will donate $5 for each signature dish ordered) with Cheng Xuan and Sammie, but Cheng Xuan ended up bringing a friend, Nat. Which was just as well, because the previous night Sammie told me to celebrate Cheng Xuan’s birthday, which is on the coming Wednesday. =D I love preparing for birthdays =D

So when duty ended at Scalebar at 4.30pm, I went down to Chinatown’s Ann Siang Street to visit that Japanese cake shop I so wanted to go called K-Ki. Their cakes were so nice. And turned out Oakham Market was really just below K-Ki, but I didn’t go in to browse seeing my budget for the month is low and I don’t really have time anyway (the cakes might melt!). Left the cakes with Loof, with instructions to the staff. Got one of the staff, Karen, to be in-charge, and she even helped me write on a card that says “Loof is psychic! We know when is your birthday…” to be placed on top of the box of the cake. But they ruined the surprise afterwards anyway by asking “so who’s birthday is it?” So yea. HAHA.

So anyway, went down to Kichn to meet them for dinner. But since I’ve never met Nat, I didn’t recognise him when he was actually already there at one of the empty tables XD I sat at another empty table wondering why he’s sitting there alone. Sammie came and we were discussing Cheng Xuan’s birthday aloud! Luckily Nat didn’t hear a thing haha.

And they were damn suay. First time Cheng Xuan and Nat were eating Kichn but everything ran out. For drinks, all the chocolaty stuff are out coz they ran out of Vanilla, and then for mains they ran out of dory, chicken roll and chop, which reduced the choice of main to only two – luncheon or meat patty for cheng xuan. And most ridiculously, for the carbo, there was only homecooked noodles left (I got my japanese rice in cream sauce because I reserved it haha). Oh, not to mention the staff forgot Cheng Xuan’s order and left the patty there for so long that it’s uneatable. We cancelled the order too because we don’t have time anymore. Such a bad impression Kichn made on them. Sigh. Nothing I say will convince them it’s good now.

We skipped the Cocotte’s Basque cake though since we were running out of time and my reservation at Loof was for 10. So we went straight to Loof and managed to surprise Cheng Xuan successfully =DDDD HAHA Feeling so accomplished. Okay, I’m too easily happy le.

So anyway, onto the Gummiberry. I don’t like the drink. The drink itself is okay lah, but why do you want to spoil the drink with the thick sweet thing on top….meringue…Don’t even know what’s that. The drink itself has a rather mild and sweet taste. Which is alright, but would be better without the cherry seeds I think? Anyway, all in all not my kind of drink. Tried to find something that’s made of rum afterwards to satisfy the inner-alcoholic in me, and ordered The Loof Life, but only to find that it’s ice-blended =( Oh well.

But all in all last night was so fun. Haven’t been able to let myself go and have fun like that in such a long time. =P I think this relationship with kinwai really helped me learn a lot, and gave me a chance to rediscover myself. This really feels great. Not sure how to explain it. I hope I’ll remember this feeling for life man haha.

Can’t wait for ning to come back. Sammie was saying if we recruit new members like that (like Nat) and start going out in bigger and more random groups, ning will have many instant friends when she comes back! Imagine how it’d be like if we get all the “new members” to go welcome her at the airport XDDDDDD A whole row of strange new friends~~~~ LOL.

And boo, I forgot to take photos the whole night for Ning. At Loof I tried, but it was too dark. My handphone is chui. =X

OH AND IN OTHER NEWS, cheryl is sponsoring me for a make up course for me to accompany her and as a late birthday present. HAPPY =DDDD I just hope I’m free that day. haven’t check =X

Dinner at Ramen Champion

So I was having a busy day at Scalebar (two years having submission on the same day today) and Fel smsed to say that Leslie’s jio-ing JSS people to go down for dinner at Ramen Champion at Illuma. I went there just once with Kinwai and thought that would be nice. Since, I had no plans tonight, and I really wanted many many things in my life to distract me.

I said I’m going thinking Fel’s going too though. But turned out she wasn’t going but at least Rindy went. It’s just, I don’t usually hang out with this group of people so I wasn’t sure I’d be comfortable. But I was kinda desperate for “activity” so I went anyway.

It turned out really fun. I had Tsukemen which turned out to be really nice. In contrast to ramen, Tsukemen remains chewy throughout since the noodles are not soaked all the way. But still, the broth was really thick and rich, so I couldn’t finish everything. But it was nice.

Rindy was craving for Swensens, and both Kurt and me agreed that the standards of Swensens icecream isn’t high at all. So the topic shifted to Marble Slab, which was right outside, and later on to Cold Stone. I couldn’t remember the name at that time actually, but the consensus was to walk to Cold Stone to aid digestion. I shared icecream with Leslie so that I won’t feel so sinful, but I think I ended up eating more than I was planning to anyway. After walking about for awhile, we drank fruit juices (aligned to our conversation topic on how to keep fit/slim/toned). Leslie and Jing Fang were like promoting beetroot to me, but after tasting two drinks, I still don’t know how beetroot taste like. The guy at the counter actually took out their sliced beetroot for me coz I didn’t know what it looks like XD I bought ABC+OL (which stands for beetroot+carrot+orange and lime. I can’t remember what A stood for). It tasted nice I think, so I don’t mind drinking that next time =) We went to cold storage to look at what beetroot looks like too lol.

To be honest, it took me awhile to get into the mood to write out what happened today to make me feel better. Because today really was fun. Along the way home, I can’t stop thinking of my “impending doom” though. Maybe, I can live life normally without him. But I’ll just feel like I’m missing a part of me for the rest of my life that’s all. No one will believe me, everyone thinks I’m just saying that and it’ll pass. But only Sammie understands how this time it’s different, and it has set a standard. The likelihood of me finding the same feeling back with someone else is so slim that…if the doom’s really approaching, I’ll have to get used to it.

I started thinking how and why am I so nice to my boyfriend(s) that that’s probably why everyone started taking me for granted sooner or later. Is it really that wrong to want to pamper your boyfriend more? So if I take care of myself more maybe the guys would have taken me for granted less? Maybe that would have made me more attractive. Not going to their rescue, or going all the way to his house with bubble tea to cheer him up. Demanding that he’s the one who comes to my house with bubble tea maybe? Not care so much about whether he’s stressed and everything, and then try to help him with everything he has? Actually be angry if he has an opinion on what you do, instead of trying to change everything in your lifestyle to suit him? This is fucked up.

I played Jubeat today, while waiting for everyone (who was late) to come to Bugis. I think I stopped playing because he mentioned that he doesn’t like people who play arcade games regularly because it’s a waste of money.

When I was smsing twitter just now, and I looked at the omamori hanging on my handphone, and thought about how he used to be so upset and angry when I thought I lost mine. While his isn’t even with him all the time now. Sure, his new handphone can’t dangle things, but I would have found a way to dangle it if I were him.

It’s just like everything else. He can take things easy, I can’t Even when he still liked me. I relent to every preference and requests he has. Find ways to make him happy. Keep him happy.

Like trying to get everyone to pool money for a handphone for him when he started ranting about his handphone everyday.
I go to extremes for him. I’m probably appreciated alright, but only superficially. But these significances just die off over time. No one remembers them.

I feel like I sound so bitter. I am. The guy I loved truly, and tried/did so much for, doesn’t love me anymore. And there’s not even a reason for it. Not because he doesn’t want to tell me a reason, but because there really isn’t any.
It’s simply a characteristic of a guy.
I’m simply unlucky.
Over and over again.
I’m so sick of loving someone.

But anyway it’s good he has set a standard. Coz that means I don’t have to go through this again in the future, after he decided to dump me.

Why do I still love him?

Beauty Routines

So I have never applied a single mask in my life (till today), am noob at doing make up, and never bothered with beauty rituals like toner, moisturisers and such. Sammie nagged at me but I never bothered.

Today I went out to get masks. I have one on my face this very moment. Not to mention the shea butter body moisturiser all over my body.

Need to remember to add shaving my legs to my regime tomorrow. I’ll start that tomorrow.

I’m going to start taking care of myself. If I can’t take care of him now, I can at least take care of myself. It also helps me in loving myself I think. I’ll transfer all of my love for him to me for now. We’ll see if I get a chance to balance it back out after exams.

I guess it’s quite obvious from this that I’m not seeing him till after exams huh? At least he still smses me goodnights. That makes this a little more bearable.

Directions

I feel like recently I’ve been given so much guidance and signs. All of a sudden, I’m moving. Hopefully in the right direction, but I really do think it is the right direction.

Guidance in the sense that I’ve been enlightened by snippets of conversations with people around me. Such as the reminder by Aaron that I tend to spread myself thin, which I re-interpreted as not being focused, and I bet Aaron would probably agree. Then again today, Chinnapa mentioned something along the lines of embarking on something new while I was telling him vaguely of my troubles today.

The entrepreneur talk which I signed up on a whim inspired me to just start moving, no matter how small each step is, and keep moving. Just a few days ago, I decided that all salary earned through Scalebar (my job at the print shop in my faculty) shall go towards the capital for starting my business. And on Tuesday I was told that I will be appointed Finance and thus earn double pay.
(Edit: Oh, Tommy misled me with wrong info. Turns out it’s extra three hours of pay per week. But it’s still extra money.)

It feels right. I just need to keep trying and I will reach there somehow. I will become a better person. Leading a better life. Not going to be taken aback by little setbacks, but instead do everything I can to make them right then move forward. =)

Thank you God. I will love you in my own way. Must remember to read up on Swedenborgian. It really does sound promising.

Patterns of dreaming

I’ve been startled awake for the past few nights several times in the night, and each time I have no idea why. Probably I dreamt about something, but I don’t recall anything, much like my past dreams. I only started remembering dreams after dating <3, but now I’m starting to revert back to my old frequency. I gotta stop dreaming so much though – the quality of my sleep is deteriorating fast.

School wise, the past week is fine. I find myself just studying whenever I have nothing to do, and trying to study more. Spent too much time in JSS room though, so I’m supposed to finish catching up on all my work today. Skipped school today since Changing Landscapes of Singapore has webcast. Might as well save on travelling time.

Went to be treated by Sammie at Ding Tai Fung on Saturday, but Cheng Xuan ended up paying. A little silly, his notion of gentleman-ness, but I suppose we can’t really complain. Yet, it really feels a little weird to be treated by him for nothing =X Ate lots of Xiao Long Bao. Wanted to try the Shanghainese Drunken Chicken (just a small plate of it) but didn’t in the end. I shall try it the next time I go to Ding Tai Fung bah.

Went down to Natsu Matsuri with <3 early after lunch because we wanted to rent yukatas. Got there a tinge too late, so we didn’t get to rent it. I was really disappointed, but <3 was even more disappointed I suppose.

16 Aug, Tuesday

So Monday I went to U-town but didn’t really have much comments on it. U-town’s auditorium is rather nice and posh-looking, with hidden powerpoints that most people probably didn’t notice. But not bad…Lectures wise, I shan’t comment till I’ve gone through more of them?

Completed reading one of the two books I borrowed for Urban Planning. Except the one I completed was the one with only two chapters assigned. The other book has no assigned chapters, so effectively I need to read the whole book haha. Nevertheless, feels good to complete something I guess?

So there’s really nothing much to blog about these two days. I remain a phantom in real estate, and my spare time’s mostly spent in JSS room since it’s guaranteed someone would be there for these couple of days. Dwight started a brainstorming session for JCN today, but otherwise nothing really new. Thought to myself that I’m going to write a email/facebook message to Dwight to detail my thought processes, and highlight things we need to consider…But guess I’ll get around to that tomorrow.

Oh which reminds me, I’ve decided to where my weird kitty yukata to natsu matsuri, so I’m going to shop for an obi and geta tomorrow =)

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Non-school related!~

Checked out HTC salsa online, and the more I read about it, the less inclined I felt in getting it. Not that the reviews weren’t good…The reviews done by tech sites are usually rather positive anyway..But I’m just not wanting to get it. Then I considered Alan Koh’s suggestion – HTC Sensation. But it’s not really pulling me in either. So I might end up getting Incredible S after all =) Let’s hope I won’t regret it. Wonder how much of a difference that dual core can really make.

A Message to the Third Guy

Since I know you still read my wordpress I shall bloody hell use this as a message board to you. SMSing me continuously in the night for one and a half hours while I was trying to sleep was not cool. And by your last message (after which I suspect you yourself had gone to sleep) I was so frustrated and awake that I couldn’t sleep till 3.30am. Freak. And you had the guts to message in the morning you have a headache probably due to lack of sleep. Don’t you ever learn from your past lessons?

I’m not even going to bother to refute your versions of history which you have tweaked once again to made it sound like you weren’t at fault. But problem is, this time round they sound so weak that it’s not even working at bringing up my guilt. We have even discussed this way back in the past and we agreed on the version of events. Whether you truly forgot and your memory got altered by the passage of time, or you are deliberately twisting it in an attempt to gain pity, I do not know. What I do know is I have my world at stake now and no longer have patience for you. I used to be foolishly nice at the expense of myself. Now I’m going to extremely selfish to protect what I have.

Sadly, but luckily for you, I have deleted incriminating evidences of your threats and whatsoever, and I doubt the telco would have kept stuff so way back. I doubt I could go to the police for instances of non-stop smsing as well. And if you sister cannot do anything to stop you, then so be it. You no longer affect me, what affected me last night was the absurdity of your messages as well as the non-stop ringing of my phone.

That no longer matters, because I had a sudden stroke of ingenuity which I should have had long ago. My phone is not able to block a specific number for calling – it’s block all, or block all but a list of ten plus people, or block none. But I forgot that it can specify the ringtone and message ringtone for each individual contact in my address book. From now on, your ringtone is a silence of 1 sec recorded in the middle of the night played repeatedly as silence. I’ll even off vibration on my phone for you. Your message ringtone is a silence as well. And rest assured, I will not be reading, or even taking a glance at any of your messages from now on before deleting them. And none of your messages would remain in my phone.

Honestly speaking, I pity your sister so much. She tried so hard to help you, you disregarded her and just obstinately tried so hard to reach an impossible goal, twisting truths to as you see fit, manipulating everybody around you including me. Treasure what you have around you before it’s too late. I learnt it the hard way.

But remember, I’m no longer someone who’s “around you”. I’m actively choosing to be out of your life, friend or not. You don’t have a right to my friendship as you think you have. 别一厢情愿了。