Dinner at Ramen Champion

So I was having a busy day at Scalebar (two years having submission on the same day today) and Fel smsed to say that Leslie’s jio-ing JSS people to go down for dinner at Ramen Champion at Illuma. I went there just once with Kinwai and thought that would be nice. Since, I had no plans tonight, and I really wanted many many things in my life to distract me.

I said I’m going thinking Fel’s going too though. But turned out she wasn’t going but at least Rindy went. It’s just, I don’t usually hang out with this group of people so I wasn’t sure I’d be comfortable. But I was kinda desperate for “activity” so I went anyway.

It turned out really fun. I had Tsukemen which turned out to be really nice. In contrast to ramen, Tsukemen remains chewy throughout since the noodles are not soaked all the way. But still, the broth was really thick and rich, so I couldn’t finish everything. But it was nice.

Rindy was craving for Swensens, and both Kurt and me agreed that the standards of Swensens icecream isn’t high at all. So the topic shifted to Marble Slab, which was right outside, and later on to Cold Stone. I couldn’t remember the name at that time actually, but the consensus was to walk to Cold Stone to aid digestion. I shared icecream with Leslie so that I won’t feel so sinful, but I think I ended up eating more than I was planning to anyway. After walking about for awhile, we drank fruit juices (aligned to our conversation topic on how to keep fit/slim/toned). Leslie and Jing Fang were like promoting beetroot to me, but after tasting two drinks, I still don’t know how beetroot taste like. The guy at the counter actually took out their sliced beetroot for me coz I didn’t know what it looks like XD I bought ABC+OL (which stands for beetroot+carrot+orange and lime. I can’t remember what A stood for). It tasted nice I think, so I don’t mind drinking that next time =) We went to cold storage to look at what beetroot looks like too lol.

To be honest, it took me awhile to get into the mood to write out what happened today to make me feel better. Because today really was fun. Along the way home, I can’t stop thinking of my “impending doom” though. Maybe, I can live life normally without him. But I’ll just feel like I’m missing a part of me for the rest of my life that’s all. No one will believe me, everyone thinks I’m just saying that and it’ll pass. But only Sammie understands how this time it’s different, and it has set a standard. The likelihood of me finding the same feeling back with someone else is so slim that…if the doom’s really approaching, I’ll have to get used to it.

I started thinking how and why am I so nice to my boyfriend(s) that that’s probably why everyone started taking me for granted sooner or later. Is it really that wrong to want to pamper your boyfriend more? So if I take care of myself more maybe the guys would have taken me for granted less? Maybe that would have made me more attractive. Not going to their rescue, or going all the way to his house with bubble tea to cheer him up. Demanding that he’s the one who comes to my house with bubble tea maybe? Not care so much about whether he’s stressed and everything, and then try to help him with everything he has? Actually be angry if he has an opinion on what you do, instead of trying to change everything in your lifestyle to suit him? This is fucked up.

I played Jubeat today, while waiting for everyone (who was late) to come to Bugis. I think I stopped playing because he mentioned that he doesn’t like people who play arcade games regularly because it’s a waste of money.

When I was smsing twitter just now, and I looked at the omamori hanging on my handphone, and thought about how he used to be so upset and angry when I thought I lost mine. While his isn’t even with him all the time now. Sure, his new handphone can’t dangle things, but I would have found a way to dangle it if I were him.

It’s just like everything else. He can take things easy, I can’t Even when he still liked me. I relent to every preference and requests he has. Find ways to make him happy. Keep him happy.

Like trying to get everyone to pool money for a handphone for him when he started ranting about his handphone everyday.
I go to extremes for him. I’m probably appreciated alright, but only superficially. But these significances just die off over time. No one remembers them.

I feel like I sound so bitter. I am. The guy I loved truly, and tried/did so much for, doesn’t love me anymore. And there’s not even a reason for it. Not because he doesn’t want to tell me a reason, but because there really isn’t any.
It’s simply a characteristic of a guy.
I’m simply unlucky.
Over and over again.
I’m so sick of loving someone.

But anyway it’s good he has set a standard. Coz that means I don’t have to go through this again in the future, after he decided to dump me.

Why do I still love him?

My first one was nothing on the scale of commitment, emotional investment and everything. I didn’t even feel very sad when it ended.

My second one was a rebound, a mutual rebound at that. He’s still a good friend, but despicable in a way. Took my first kiss, tried to grope me, and all sorts of other stuff, and while doing all these he didn’t know what he want. I was made use of. All of a sudden, an absolute cut of contact. Messages and phone calls were met with silence. Recently further enquiries revealed that it was because the girl he liked started talking to him again. All’s good, it was luck that that happened, because I wouldn’t have realised I didn’t like him at all and it was really purely a rebound. Hurt a little back then though.

Third one was one in which we understood each other, in a way. Often, we voice out what could easily be from each others’ mouths. I thought back then that maybe that’s what soul mates meant. But it gradually dwindled to an emotional abuse kind of relationship. Over-controlling, self-obsessive…he gave me so much trauma even after the break up that gradually, whatever positive impression or emotions I have left for him were grind away.

Fourth one, a guy I absolutely trusted. Who doted on me too. But I fell out of favour probably due to the many personality flaws I have as well as how boring a person I am. He hates me to the core now. Tweaked every memory he has of me, unintentionally I suspect. Though through this I realised the aspects of his personality that I’ve never realised before, and I’m kind of glad we’re no more.

My last one was absolutely good to me in every way possible. He may not have all the bonus points such as being romantic or doting, but he carries everything that’s essential to me. But I took him for granted, despite telling myself not to. I didn’t realise how I was taking him for granted and that made it difficult for me to stop. And now I’ve kind of lost him, and he wants to move on now. Too late for me to regret. I’m not destined for good things. He’s not going to want me back.

The third guy still smses me, even though I don’t reply him anymore. On Friday, he sent this.

Sometimes I wonder if the problem is with you. Other people don’t find themselves jumping from person to person to person.

He’s right. The problem’s with me after all.

National Day @ Aaron’s

Went to Aaron’s house for Japanese mahjong today with Aaron, Woonie and Shuyi. Played French Bridge, normal floating bridge, Dai-Di as well. Of which I forgot the rules to for everything >.< Haven’t played card games for so long…Took the chance to revise Japanese mahjong while Aaron taught Shuyi the rules, so I didn’t do too badly. Got second place, partially cause of luck (woonie’s lack of performance) as well as the presence of a newbie at the table. So won’t say I’m extremely proud of it haha. 32k was my score…

NDP parade (on the TV) looks splendid. Can understand why Ning claims that it really makes a difference to be at the venue this year. Kudos to the creative director for NDP this year. Though I still think NDP songs could be better. But at least they used a fair number of the older songs so it’s not too bad. Missing the sing-along session at the end of NDP though.

Met Ning and Sammie at Freshness afterwards, though I ended up being the only one eating since the two of them had late dinner. Caught up with each others’ lives…I realise the importance to keep in touch with the important people around me really. I just need to master the technique of doing so. How to actively keep in touch, and how to actively maintain the relationships. Been passive all my life. Without my current problems with darling, probably I wouldn’t have realise this so strongly. I need to learn, and I need to learn fast.

So many things to learn too. Like keeping a cool head, and not screwing things up. Keep myself detached somewhat and not getting carried away by emotions. Treasure things and people around me, and simply having the intention and desire to treasure, no matter how strong the emotions, is not enough. There’s technique, and there’s effort to it, and in the end it’s the results that matters. Whether you’re successful in retaining what’s precious in your life or not. Otherwise, your emotional desires and intentions, no matter how blazingly strong, counts for crap. I wish I’ve learnt this earlier.

Non-National Day related post on National Day

So I woke up with a start less than fifteen minutes ago and haven’t been able to get back to sleep. I went to sleep past one, and kept lying there waiting, but probably fell asleep around two or so. That’s five hours of sleep from someone who has been waking up near or past noon for the past three months of her holidays (with some exceptions).

I felt as though I did sleep though, even if it wasn’t enough. My muscles are aching. Then again, I vaguely remembered the feel of Dinger crawling over my legs under the blanket (and so she must have crawled into the blanket. Then I remember I also felt her presence again some time in the night, and thought to myself it’s nice to have a cat who’s so affectionate to you.

I wouldn’t have been able to think to myself if I were really asleep right? But I think I slept. The start I woke up from was probably a dream, but I cannot remember any of it as usual. But I felt as though it must have been a bad dream, yet I woke up feeling zen. Before my mind wandered to my situation now.

Ever since primary school when I started blogging, I’ve dropped blogging innumerous times, but have picked up again some time or another. This must have been the longest yet that I’ve dropped..I’m always picking it back up during times like this eh? Something must be wrong, and I must be feeling at least a tinge of loneliness. It’s as if the internet is not made up of people, and is one gigantic soul instead, being my friend silently listening to me rant.

I don’t deny that there’s a tiny bit of me hoping someone, acquaintance, friend or stranger, would read about me and understand. Perhaps offer a helping hand, somehow. Kind words perhaps. Make me feel less alone. That’s why I’ve almost never blogged anonymously, save for one (or two if you count the abandoned one which I lost the addreess and login details to).

I remember I used to blog a lot in secondary school, and perhaps even more in JC. I had a lot to say, a lot to think through in life. I could blog about my life to the smallest details, and wrote lengthy posts which people either couldn’t be bothered to read, or are friends who kept telling me I should write shorter and less frequent posts so that they can stay updated with my life more easily. I could write twice, thrice, even four times a day at one point in time. I had to write, else I’d have gone insane. I didn’t realise it back then, but perhaps, the lonelier I felt the more I had to write. I dropped writing in JC when I started making friends. I dropped writing gradually in secondary school as I got closer and closer to Library and regarded it as my home within foreign grounds. I drop writing when I feel like I belong.

Yet now I only blog on mediums which finds short snipplets acceptable. Where strangers can readily find you for stuff that expresses you, though perhaps not directly. Posts too much about yourself directly and you’re probably gonna bore them.
No, tumblr was a solution for the lazy, and relatively non-lonely me. It’s no longer serving its purpose..I need my other blogs back.

Mahjong later at Aaron’s till late, followed by supper with Ning and Sam at Freshness Burger in woodlands. It’s a long day…I wonder if my body can pull through.

P.S. I probably need to read my own posts to regain perspectives on myself. I’ve been contented and taking the contentment for granted I think. I need to stop the cycle somehow.

The Girl – Part One

The glare of the screen shone on her face in the dimly lit room. It was one of the two light source, the other being the faint light of dawn that penetrates through the curtains of her bedroom windows. She taps on the keyboard of her computer, uncertain, hesitant, wary of what may appear on the screen which are in actuality her thoughts, moods, ideas, and in essence her person, her being. It was scary. That which is on rocks, her being, being shown to her via uniform characters – one ‘S’ is not one bit different from the other. It’s eerie in way, what this may signify. A certain coldness, inhumaneness, a certain destiny she’s trying to avoid, but seemed to be zooming towards.

She tries hard, too hard sometimes, as she is inclined to believe, but that may be pure bias. She may in fact be too kind to herself, being all accepting and accommodating to her weaknesses and flaws, providing excuse after excuse for her misbehaviour, even when these excuses are not justifying reasons, they become reasons in her head. The fact that she alone, as one singular person believes in both contrasting perceptions of how she has been treating herself. That both contrasting ideas exist in her head simultaneously; exists simultaneously in one entity. This particular fact makes her feel terrified. There is also the additional fact that she is able to recognise the fact aforementioned. That makes it all the more terrifying. It’s as if there was a third person in her. Objective, cold, but completely invisible to all but herself. Whichever part of her that tries to introduce this third person to mutual friends would not be regarded seriously. Or at least, not be regarded as seriously as any part of her would like to be.

It is really annoying, and inconvenient, to have so many parts to herself. It gives her unnecessary emotions. It makes her do things she knows she’ll regret, but she end up doing things anyway. Most importantly, it makes her hate herself. The parts are contradicting afterall. If she were to exist as three different persona, two would probably be mortal enemies, while the third as a neutral. To have all three in one common biological space is very troublesome indeed…

She sits on the floor of her bedroom, half slouched against the side of her bed, with her back aching, her butt numbing, typing herself out. It was so cold, yet never once did she shiver. She felt numb. And tired. Of life, of herself, of everything, the universe. And of course, for she did not sleep the entire night before and it was dawn, physically.

Changing perception, Shifting viewpoints, Morphing being

I find that this stage of life is really one where you change faster than you realise. My lack of understanding for myself is even greater than that while I was still in JC or secondary school. It is kind of frustrating that the pace at which I’m learning about myself is never catching up with the changes. I’m discovering new aspects of myself, defining new viewpoints and ideals, while realising those viewpoints and ideals don’t necessarily apply just a couple of months later. I’m more confused about myself than ever.

In a way, reading whatever Aaron writes on his blog, or through whatever little private conversations I have with him, helps me in resolving my confusion substantially. He knows he’s one of those people I look up to, and I’m not going to keep reminding him that. But I’m constantly aware of it. So is the case with people like Jerome, Chenzhen, etc. Which brings me to another point about myself. I depend too much on people. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Even my very being, in which the understanding of oneself is extremely important, is dependent on my interaction with certain people. There’s a very specific group of people, without whom I’ll never come to understand myself as much as I do now. They teach me about myself, help me improve for the better (consciously or unconsciously); They made my life so much easier.

But being dependent on people like that is inconvenient. I need to learn to be independent. Soon, everyone’s new lives will pull us apart. Damn growing up.

I met a bus driver that brightened up my day a couple of days ago. Even noted his name down…Mr Wee something. Of bus 183 SBS 8109U at approx 6.20pm (aren’t I specific). It was dark, gloomy and raining. Plus it was late. Everyone’s tired. But his bright cheery manner was infectious. How he warmly warns everyone the door is closing, and how he joked when two cars missed crashing narrowly in front of us….he made those standing near the front smile despite the sardine can conditions. It was really an example of how even strangers influence each other. Might even be an explanation for the fast-paced changes in ourselves as young 19-year-olds.

Effects till dawn

The unchanging fatal weakness of mine – low self-discipline. Unchanging not because I do not want to change, but it’s easier said than done. Low self-discipline in so many aspects, such that there are some things I can no longer tell people, even those close to me, for they are sick of my stories since a long time ago. Why don’t you just change then? I try, without success.

It’s kinda amusing when I see myself in a third-person’s point of view, when a single gesture can sustain me through the entire night. Well, I’ve just finished drawing plans, sections, elevations, axonometric and what not. Some five hours, the effect predictably died down, but nevertheless lingering. Like how the alien feeling of lips linger after your first kiss – bliss or not.

It would be a blessing if such positive vibes for the night were automatically transferred into my work and translated into higher quality drawings. Perhaps the model transformed into precisely cut and assembled pieces, without me so much as touching it. Or maybe faeries were fluttering around sprinkling magical dust on it, and the tutors shall love it during crit session tomorrow despite its rough edges and glue stains.

Poor self-discipline. It did help my mood I suppose. But it kills my ambition. Whatever happened to my plans to do more sketches for tomorrow’s crit session, I have no idea. I might also need to remind myself that my old habit of tardiness is heavily linked to my low self-discipline and I’d better do something about it. I probably need to get that entire module’s work submitted soon too. It is unimaginably late.

P.S. I have no idea whether the above post is coherent a not. And I don’t really care. It’s freaking 6.30am in the morning, and submission is at 10am. The tone’s probably kinda out-of-character for me too. I have no idea why I’m even blogging.

Worst Crit

I realise that I really want to come out with designs that can be appreciated by kids. Teenagers. Naïve thinking maybe. But I’m sick of the world. Why is everyone so serious, so driven by so-called “sophisticated” ideas. Why are people not amazed by the simple ideas, or captivated by the fantasy. Why are the kids always ignored, looked over for their sweeping statements, their ignorance, their so-called immaturity?

During crit session yesterday, my first ever in nus, I thought once again that maybe my childishness disadvantages me. It’s true. The lack of maturity directly impacts the development of your ideas and thoughts afterall. And there and then, I sincerely wish I’d grow up. It’s ironic. I used to wish I’d have a childhood..learn how to have fun. Now that I’ve learnt to have more fun, I wish I’m more mature.

Perhaps, there’s something good of both the adults and the kids. I’m trapped between the two stages, at least physically, as of now. And I dread the seriousness of the adults. It’s the same as how I dislike uniformity in a way. Uniformity can be pretty, but there’s just a quality of it that makes me uncomfortable. It would be best if I can find a balance between the two, and adopt it for the rest of my life. I’ll be a different adult.

I wish I didn’t cry during crit yesterday. It shows I cannot take it, when I really wanted to be able to take it. It shows I have so much that I need to learn.

Haven’t been blogging since sometime after my first uni camp and now. Between then and now, there was another camp, rag, and then school. My priorities have changed, or maybe I now recognize my priorities. Or maybe school screwed up my real priorities. I have no idea. Just continue to seek. I love the phrase “Ichigo Ichie”. It was in Transport Asian and then Doctor Erwin mentioned it again. It so reflects the spontaneity of life.

Delayed Live Posting

This post is written from a Hong Kong hotel with no wifi internet and only wired internet in the lobby. My dream of a (slightly delayed) live blogging travel log is thus dashed. Sigh. I kept forgetting to take photos though. And there are also times when my parents forbade me from taking photos for one reason or another. Sigh. There are serious pros and cons for travelling with family and travelling with friends. When travelling with your parents, you are spared the worry of financial limitations but burdened with tons of restrictions that shouldn’t really matter in your opinion. Oh well, I had my fun in December, and this trip hasn’t been too bad…decent in fact if not disappointing in many aspects.

I would love to upload the photos I have taken now, however poor quality they are when compared to my photography pro friends. (I still haven’t learn how to take photos proper!) But using the internet in the lobby means I lack the comfort and privacy in the room, and I don’t want to lug too many things down to the lobby either. At least I’m using my own laptop. Once I leave this hotel in HK, I might not get a chance to go on the internet anymore. I suppose I can use the internet in a net cafe down at Haifeng (it’s a rural area, don’t bother checking it up. Mum’s old village). The best bet I’d have is Guangzhou and Shenzhen. Might be able to get internet there. But in the meantime, the photos (and thus the travel log) shall wait, possibly till I’ve safely reached Singapore. Even then I shall have to battle the temptation to procrastinate, and just rest till the 22nd when I’m going for my faculty camp in NUS. I bet I’ll forget everything after the camp then. RAWR. No, I shall blog.

Live blogging would really really suit me very much. Even a slightly delayed version that allows me to write on the spot and post when I have WIFI. That would be when I get C905 in Singapore. When I told KH my plans on how I’m going to use the phone, his first reaction was “then that won’t be live blogging anymore”. I’m thinking…Are instantaneous things really that great? The tempo of our footsteps, the rhythm of our breathing…even the planet is spinning faster it seems. While a faster pace has it’s advantages, the lack of the pause for thinking is tiring. To allow ourselves time to think before expressing ourselves, our intentions and opinions, isn’t that a better option than gratifying our foolish desires for instant results? Do you really want to live your life without a moment of rest?

Actually, I bet my blog posts would be much more coherent if I pseudo-force (i misused the word pseudo I know) myself into pausing before posting. To have a kind of draft. I’d probably hesitate, and perhaps improve my post before posting. Everything would be of a better quality if we had the time to pause and rest I think. Quality of life especially. Quantity is not everything all the time.

Reporting Ethics

http://blog.dk.sg/2009/05/29/shame-on-you-tnp-shame-on-you/

Got very disturbed by this piece of news. Apparently The New Paper published the name of the first Singaporean girl who contracted the H1N1 virus, despite her request for anonimity. It’s quite a well-known fact that Singaporean newspapers are governed very strictly when reporting matters that infringe on racial matters, or anything that have the slightest possibility of affecting Singapore’s “peace and harmony”. The censorship is to the extent of paranoia sometimes. So why is it that the newspapers are able to “safeguard” the well-being of the society as a whole, and yet not be able to do something as simple as respect the privacy of one girl? Kinda ironic. Some aspects of reporting are over-regulated while other (essential ones) are under-regulated. =(

Anyway, found this free service by some nice Singaporean dude that allows tweeting by handphone in Singapore! =))) Actually, I found it coz Ning tweeted with it, and there was a link back to it at the back. Haha. If anyone clicks on this banner I won’t have that link behind my tweets, but seriously, I don’t mind doing extra advertising for the service haha.