He still has fr…

He still has friends. People like his classmates. People like cca mates. People like ex-classmates who he’s still so close too. People like his ex-colleagues. People who’s really important to him like Joey.

I don’t. I’m no longer close with my class clique – All but one are overseas, and that one person is forever overseas on exchanges and special programmes. I no longer contact my JC clique much, because key persons are overseas, and those in Singapore arranges meetings without me (especially after the complication of leaving me out of outings due to raphael.

Friends hurt me, bitched about me behind my back together with raphael, making me lose faith in so many of my past confidante. Friends I can trust, I fear putting in too much hope and expectations because I end up getting hurt even though they’re not at fault. Family too, they don’t support, and make things even more difficult for me despite their well intentions.

So what do I have left?

Now that I learn that I’m born to not have a soul mate, not have a confidante, not to have someone to mutually rely on during tough times. What do I really have left.

He feels like he has no one he can depend on. Then what about me. I have even less people around me than him. And he’s probably going to find his mate soon in the future.

Who can I rely on?

Nobody.

And mine’s for life. I’m alone for life.

I don’t really post here anymore..

To skip all the random reblogs and interesting stuff online:

http://silentcelle.tumblr.com/tagged/blog

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(27th Jun, 10:23 PM) [b3garang]: You stopped blogging.

Yea. I did. For many excuses, one after another, each valid. First, it was that I lost my camera on my aunt’s car, so I need my parents to bring it back before I could do a photo entry. Then it was I got suspected of H1N1 and wanted to wait for the results to be out before I make an entry. And finally, I just thought too much happened and I was too tired. One after another.

My period came today. The pain’s unbearable. I used the laptop as a hot water bottle soothing my stomach. The mood is strange, my guard is unusually low, and it feels like one of those days when I was talking late at night with him again. Open to share anything about me at all, unreserved.

I think I was so naive, but I may be egoistic, self-praising to think that.

The limitation to blogging is that so much cannot be said on it. I keep having to censor myself. Especially in my current state. I type, and I erase it. Type and re-read. Vet.

I think life’s too uncertain for my liking. I’ve grown scared and paranoid and not wanting to take part in life’s experiences. No more bitter, spicy, sour, extreme tastes. My senses are not dulled…rather, too sensitive to take these sensations. I’m so scared, confused, but mostly scared. I want to avoid yet I have no idea where they are lurking. It is so frustrating, strange new experiences. If I were to choose between two frustrating experiences I’d rather take the old and familiar one? One that I’ve experienced, time and time again, never-ending loop. That frustration is so much better than unchartered territory. For the present me, the unpolished me. The vulnerable me.

I wish CZ doesn’t have to go OBS tomorrow. I’ll benefit so if I could talk to him. I’m sure of it.
I wonder if Jerome’s asleep, if he’s psychic. He probably is, and he probably isn’t. So it’s alright. I’ll just stay alone.

I rely too much.

I hate guys as a species.

I have absolutely no feelings for him anymore. But it irritates the hell out of me to see his display picture when he signs in anyway. What gives him the right to happiness when he was such an emotional wimp?

Flu Alert

@FluSingapore: Passengers on SQ25 on 26 May fr NY to SG (arr 0630h) seated in rows 52-58, pls contact MOH at 1800-333 9999
- on twitter

Watched Bokurano the entire night. Damn good. But too tragic. My favorite character just died, so I shall stop for the day (it being 2.40am already). Came on just to type this alert on my rather insignificant wordpress, in case some guy who was on the plane happen to chance upon my blog. Good night.