Directions

I feel like recently I’ve been given so much guidance and signs. All of a sudden, I’m moving. Hopefully in the right direction, but I really do think it is the right direction.

Guidance in the sense that I’ve been enlightened by snippets of conversations with people around me. Such as the reminder by Aaron that I tend to spread myself thin, which I re-interpreted as not being focused, and I bet Aaron would probably agree. Then again today, Chinnapa mentioned something along the lines of embarking on something new while I was telling him vaguely of my troubles today.

The entrepreneur talk which I signed up on a whim inspired me to just start moving, no matter how small each step is, and keep moving. Just a few days ago, I decided that all salary earned through Scalebar (my job at the print shop in my faculty) shall go towards the capital for starting my business. And on Tuesday I was told that I will be appointed Finance and thus earn double pay.
(Edit: Oh, Tommy misled me with wrong info. Turns out it’s extra three hours of pay per week. But it’s still extra money.)

It feels right. I just need to keep trying and I will reach there somehow. I will become a better person. Leading a better life. Not going to be taken aback by little setbacks, but instead do everything I can to make them right then move forward. =)

Thank you God. I will love you in my own way. Must remember to read up on Swedenborgian. It really does sound promising.

National Day @ Aaron’s

Went to Aaron’s house for Japanese mahjong today with Aaron, Woonie and Shuyi. Played French Bridge, normal floating bridge, Dai-Di as well. Of which I forgot the rules to for everything >.< Haven’t played card games for so long…Took the chance to revise Japanese mahjong while Aaron taught Shuyi the rules, so I didn’t do too badly. Got second place, partially cause of luck (woonie’s lack of performance) as well as the presence of a newbie at the table. So won’t say I’m extremely proud of it haha. 32k was my score…

NDP parade (on the TV) looks splendid. Can understand why Ning claims that it really makes a difference to be at the venue this year. Kudos to the creative director for NDP this year. Though I still think NDP songs could be better. But at least they used a fair number of the older songs so it’s not too bad. Missing the sing-along session at the end of NDP though.

Met Ning and Sammie at Freshness afterwards, though I ended up being the only one eating since the two of them had late dinner. Caught up with each others’ lives…I realise the importance to keep in touch with the important people around me really. I just need to master the technique of doing so. How to actively keep in touch, and how to actively maintain the relationships. Been passive all my life. Without my current problems with darling, probably I wouldn’t have realise this so strongly. I need to learn, and I need to learn fast.

So many things to learn too. Like keeping a cool head, and not screwing things up. Keep myself detached somewhat and not getting carried away by emotions. Treasure things and people around me, and simply having the intention and desire to treasure, no matter how strong the emotions, is not enough. There’s technique, and there’s effort to it, and in the end it’s the results that matters. Whether you’re successful in retaining what’s precious in your life or not. Otherwise, your emotional desires and intentions, no matter how blazingly strong, counts for crap. I wish I’ve learnt this earlier.

Protected: A calming sort of happiness

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Changing perception, Shifting viewpoints, Morphing being

I find that this stage of life is really one where you change faster than you realise. My lack of understanding for myself is even greater than that while I was still in JC or secondary school. It is kind of frustrating that the pace at which I’m learning about myself is never catching up with the changes. I’m discovering new aspects of myself, defining new viewpoints and ideals, while realising those viewpoints and ideals don’t necessarily apply just a couple of months later. I’m more confused about myself than ever.

In a way, reading whatever Aaron writes on his blog, or through whatever little private conversations I have with him, helps me in resolving my confusion substantially. He knows he’s one of those people I look up to, and I’m not going to keep reminding him that. But I’m constantly aware of it. So is the case with people like Jerome, Chenzhen, etc. Which brings me to another point about myself. I depend too much on people. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Even my very being, in which the understanding of oneself is extremely important, is dependent on my interaction with certain people. There’s a very specific group of people, without whom I’ll never come to understand myself as much as I do now. They teach me about myself, help me improve for the better (consciously or unconsciously); They made my life so much easier.

But being dependent on people like that is inconvenient. I need to learn to be independent. Soon, everyone’s new lives will pull us apart. Damn growing up.

I met a bus driver that brightened up my day a couple of days ago. Even noted his name down…Mr Wee something. Of bus 183 SBS 8109U at approx 6.20pm (aren’t I specific). It was dark, gloomy and raining. Plus it was late. Everyone’s tired. But his bright cheery manner was infectious. How he warmly warns everyone the door is closing, and how he joked when two cars missed crashing narrowly in front of us….he made those standing near the front smile despite the sardine can conditions. It was really an example of how even strangers influence each other. Might even be an explanation for the fast-paced changes in ourselves as young 19-year-olds.

Trusting Friends

Had a really good talk with Aaron just now. I believe it’s the most productive conversation I’ve ever had. Now I feel less burdened, with a clearer sense of direction (even though the matters we discussed remains unresolved), and sighs a huge sigh of relief.

Raphael and Chenzhen were right about how I always assumed people’s reactions wrongly. I cannot express my gratitude (on top of love) towards my friends enough in words.

Anyway, the hour spent on talking with Aaron, on top of the time spent talking with Raphael over the phone, meant that I did not do any Aki work tonight. Which is bad. Since I have TONS of work to do by Monday. And I have not started on the bulk of it. So here’s a list of what I will do tomorrow. (I have this mentality that announcing it publicly online will prompt me to adhere to it more than my undisciplined self would otherwise have.)

1. Stick and string structures
2. PF Lab Report
3. GEK Essay (not due on Monday, but I think it’s pretty urgent already considering I haven’t started on it yet.)

There are actually many more things to be done, but I think I shall not be too ambitious. I’ll schedule for anything else not due on Monday tomorrow instead.