Changing perception, Shifting viewpoints, Morphing being

I find that this stage of life is really one where you change faster than you realise. My lack of understanding for myself is even greater than that while I was still in JC or secondary school. It is kind of frustrating that the pace at which I’m learning about myself is never catching up with the changes. I’m discovering new aspects of myself, defining new viewpoints and ideals, while realising those viewpoints and ideals don’t necessarily apply just a couple of months later. I’m more confused about myself than ever.

In a way, reading whatever Aaron writes on his blog, or through whatever little private conversations I have with him, helps me in resolving my confusion substantially. He knows he’s one of those people I look up to, and I’m not going to keep reminding him that. But I’m constantly aware of it. So is the case with people like Jerome, Chenzhen, etc. Which brings me to another point about myself. I depend too much on people. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Even my very being, in which the understanding of oneself is extremely important, is dependent on my interaction with certain people. There’s a very specific group of people, without whom I’ll never come to understand myself as much as I do now. They teach me about myself, help me improve for the better (consciously or unconsciously); They made my life so much easier.

But being dependent on people like that is inconvenient. I need to learn to be independent. Soon, everyone’s new lives will pull us apart. Damn growing up.

I met a bus driver that brightened up my day a couple of days ago. Even noted his name down…Mr Wee something. Of bus 183 SBS 8109U at approx 6.20pm (aren’t I specific). It was dark, gloomy and raining. Plus it was late. Everyone’s tired. But his bright cheery manner was infectious. How he warmly warns everyone the door is closing, and how he joked when two cars missed crashing narrowly in front of us….he made those standing near the front smile despite the sardine can conditions. It was really an example of how even strangers influence each other. Might even be an explanation for the fast-paced changes in ourselves as young 19-year-olds.

Who I Am

Meme from Ning’s Tumblr

FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:

• You have no idea how relieved I felt when you answered the questions that took me so long to ask. The implication may have been lost to you, but it led me to understand how and why I lost.
• I’m sorry but I may have unconsciously manipulated, and even made use of you. It may jolly well have been more of my fault then than yours. Though I have an uncanny suspicion that the manipulation may have been two-way at that time. Even if you may be sincere right now. You will probably deny it.
• I actually feel that I’ve been a very terrible friend, even wondering at times whether I deserve you. But even as I reveal more and more ugly sides of me to you, you accepted me as a whole, and it’s friends like you that aspired me to at least try to be a better friend.
• Can you please stop talking to me? I don’t mind if you actually have topics to talk about. But coming to me, and saying random and even ridiculous things in a bid to start a topic is outright annoying. You don’t read the signs that I don’t want to talk either.
• Hi. I like you. You don’t have to like me though. Just being my friend’s enough. =)

TEN things about yourself:

• RJ was probably the most important milestone in my academic life. While my first friends were in primary school, RG shaped my mode of thinking somewhat, RJ was where I gradually find myself back, got to know awesome friends who helped me gain much-needed self-confidence. I love RJ. Doesn’t matter if school admin implemented inappropriate to the school. The changes won’t change my memories.
• I love cats. Wasn’t really a cat person till Dinger and Newton came into my life though. While I’ve always liked animals, I always thought I’d like a dog more. But ever since both dogs and cats came into my life, I found out that cats really fit my personality a lot better.
• When I’m studying, I’d be at home or at Starbucks most of the time. Else, it’d be in the studio. Only very occasionally am I in the library.
• I’m an extremely bad organiser when it comes to my own space. I tend to work in messy environments. For some reason though, when I was a librarian in RG, I was rather obsessed in organising things in the librarian’s workroom.
• I absolutely hate camera flashes during a concert/performance. I go crazy. It totally distracts me, and spoils the whole atmosphere. Doesn’t matter if it’s a music performance where the audio matters more than the visual. I believe performance comes as a whole, so don’t screw the visual aspect up for me.
• It’s hard to define me as an introvert or extrovert, since I fit both very well under different circumstances. While I’m open to telling others about myself, I hide more things than most too. I make friends rather easily, but I don’t show my discomfort. It takes a longer time for me to feel fitted into a new environment. I need close friends around – I rely on them quite a bit.
• I have 3 younger siblings, though most just won’t believe me. When I go out with my younger sister, it’s not uncommon for strangers to think that I’m the younger sister. I look younger than my age. Possibly, act younger than my age in some cases too. It is not true to say I’m less mature than my sisters though. People just don’t know what goes on behind the scenes.
• I really like the sound of the piano. And handbells. Not so much of the string instruments due to some shadows of the past, but in recent years, I’m starting to appreciate string music too.
• I’m into Japanese stuff. Particularly anime. But also into traditional things like tea ceremonies. The things the Japanese do exudes an aura of elegance and simplicity. Ironic since they are usually ultra complicated. Ever tried tying an obi? But in a way, it’s elegance and simplicity in precision. It must be a case of attraction to the opposite, since I’m none of these things.
• My sisters like to say that my fashion sense is based on luck when it works. They think I have a weird fashion sense. My friends think that my fashion sense is slapdash. I say that no one really knows what my true fashion sense is, since half my wardrobe are things that I no longer want or passed down to me. Wardrobe renewal is limited by financial limitations.

SEVEN ways to win your heart:

• Show willingness to be friends with my friends, and allow me to be friends with yours. Best if my friends’ approval are earned.
• Play the piano well. I have a weakness for it.
• Tell me secrets. Tell me things about yourself that you don’t tell people about.
• Make me enjoy my time with you. Make me laugh. I like people who teaches me how to have fun.
• Accept that I require certain amounts of freedom. Must accept the fact that most of my close friends are guys.
• Bring me to a secret hideout (I’ll kope this from Ning. Having a secret hideout is simply so cool.)
• Pamper me at times. Make me feel loved and taken care of. Be someone I can rely on.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

• The gang
• My mum and sisters
• Architecture
• My cats
• My crush
• The idea of friendship and love
• The future

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:

• Daydream
• Set my alarm
• Think about my regrets for the day
• Sing to myself

FOUR things you see right now:

• My laptop
• Dinger my cat.
• My aki journal
• My phone

THREE songs that you listen to often: (top 3 from foobar2000 play count…)

• 周杰伦 - 东风破
• Chiaki Ishikawa – Uninstall
• Nobuo Uematsu - Royal Stockholm Philharmonic Orchestra - Don’t Be Afraid (Final Fantasy VIII)

TWO things you want to do before you die:

• See each member of the gang finding the girl of their dreams and form happy families. WITH KIDS. And Sam, Ning, Shan, Shuyi marrying nice guys and form happy families. WITH KIDS.
• Travel the world.

ONE confession:

• I lie by withholding information.