Fucked

I’m seriously fucked by aki. Before I go on, I want to say yes I know girls don’t use the F word. But I don’t care. There’s no better word than this anymore. Crit session was bad today. Not in the sense that the tutors were harsh, or even criticism on my ideas. The problem is, I’ve got no opinion at all. And why is that so? My work is substandard. Yes, it’s not even average. It’s not the “oh, I like this part, but this other part wasn’t very well-thought out…”. I’m not aiming to be marvelous. I just want to be like everyone else.

Just to be clear, my idea was actually deemed as alright on Thursday. But on today’s crit session….turned out my analysis was crap, not in depth and I could have done a lot more and taken a lot more from it. My composition therefore suffered. My drawing is crap, does not convey whatever little I have to say about my composition already. In other words, whatever I’ve done for this assignment so far is JUNK.

I somehow managed to remain in the same spot as the first day of lessons. Everyone else has improved so much, but me. I’m stuck in that damn spot. Unable to make something even worth glancing at. And worst still, I can actually see the difference between my work and everyone else’s. I just cannot implement that difference.

When I met up with CZ, I was so clueless and confused. I have no idea what is wrong with me. Why am I in such a situation? I like aki alright, so what exactly is wrong?

I still have no idea. But I know I gotta at least take aki more seriously than before now. Get to the source of the problem, whatever it is. Damn aki, I’m gonna beat you. Go fuck someone else instead.

P.S. Thankfully, I have friends like roger and raphael, who are so fun and helps in washing away all my troubles and emo-ness, however temporarily. jubeat rocks.

Worst Crit

I realise that I really want to come out with designs that can be appreciated by kids. Teenagers. Naïve thinking maybe. But I’m sick of the world. Why is everyone so serious, so driven by so-called “sophisticated” ideas. Why are people not amazed by the simple ideas, or captivated by the fantasy. Why are the kids always ignored, looked over for their sweeping statements, their ignorance, their so-called immaturity?

During crit session yesterday, my first ever in nus, I thought once again that maybe my childishness disadvantages me. It’s true. The lack of maturity directly impacts the development of your ideas and thoughts afterall. And there and then, I sincerely wish I’d grow up. It’s ironic. I used to wish I’d have a childhood..learn how to have fun. Now that I’ve learnt to have more fun, I wish I’m more mature.

Perhaps, there’s something good of both the adults and the kids. I’m trapped between the two stages, at least physically, as of now. And I dread the seriousness of the adults. It’s the same as how I dislike uniformity in a way. Uniformity can be pretty, but there’s just a quality of it that makes me uncomfortable. It would be best if I can find a balance between the two, and adopt it for the rest of my life. I’ll be a different adult.

I wish I didn’t cry during crit yesterday. It shows I cannot take it, when I really wanted to be able to take it. It shows I have so much that I need to learn.

Haven’t been blogging since sometime after my first uni camp and now. Between then and now, there was another camp, rag, and then school. My priorities have changed, or maybe I now recognize my priorities. Or maybe school screwed up my real priorities. I have no idea. Just continue to seek. I love the phrase “Ichigo Ichie”. It was in Transport Asian and then Doctor Erwin mentioned it again. It so reflects the spontaneity of life.